Intimacy in marriage is so important! Don't let this sometimes awkward topic throw you off, because we're about to give you the lowdown on how to make it work for you and your sweetie in your marriage!
After a ton of requests from you fabulous Freebs, we did a series of Q&As based on all things marriage. We gave you all of our best marriage advice, from why date night is so important to set how to boundaries with in-laws. You seriously don't want to miss out on those goods, so be sure to check them out!
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Now, let's talk about the big kahuna… Intimacy in marriage! We're going over it ALL. No rock will be left unturned because if you're married, you need to hear this. So, before we begin…
A FEW THINGS
As I share these videos and tips, I just ask a few simple things:
- Please respect us and everyone else who chimes in in the comments. Pretend we are at a marriage support group. Don't shame us or anyone else. Please respect the sacred nature of the things we are discussing, and keep them amongst our Freebs family only.
- We are married and will be talking about personal, intimate subjects and topics. If you are not married or are 18 or younger, please consider saving this post and reading it down the road when it becomes appropriate for you.
- Please note that we are a married man and woman, so we are referring to “husband and wife” because, well, that's what we are! But we love and respect relationships of all forms, so just take what we say and picture adapting it into your own situation as best you can.
- We aren't professionals, this is just our experience and opinions. Though, I really do wish I was Oprah…
OUR BEST TIPS ON INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Connecting with your spouse in various ways is so important in your marriage because it helps to bring you closer together! Intimacy is obviously just one of those ways to connect, but it's SO important. So much so that we're about to go into some crazy detail over how we've made it work in our marriage!
We've broken each video down and notated where that portion starts in the video so you can easily find it if you need to rewatch it later. Watch part 2 of our marriage series ONLINE HERE, or watch below:
Okay, keep on readin' for a quick recap!
A SPECIAL CONNECTION – 0:37
You can only get this special connection from your spouse! It's an act that makes you feel bonded and loved that you can't get anywhere else but from your spouse. It's not just about the act, although that is important, too!
The book She Comes First really takes you in depth to figuring out how to make the act of intimacy work for both of you.
SCHEDULE INTIMACY IN – 6:39
IF this works for you, this is a great way to get back into the rhythm of intimacy in marriage. Figure out how many days you want to shoot for and literally put it on your calendar. You'll know when to expect it and can be in the right mindset to get you in the mood when the time comes.
However, this plan actually backfired for me and make it much more stressful! The expectations and pressure behind it gave me anxiety, which definitely had a negative impact on the whole situation.
SERVE YOUR SPOUSE – 7:35
I've found that I've had to make intimacy in marriage more of a priority and a selfless act of service. There was something from The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands that literally changed my way of thinking on this that I want to share with you!
We, as wives and moms, literally serve people all day. We feed all the kids before we feed ourselves, we run kids around wherever they need to go, we literally wipe poop from between chubby baby's legs because we love our children. Why can we do all of this without hesitation, but we can't serve our husbands in the way that they need it most… In the way that only we can give?!
Pretty powerful, right? Your husband should come first, even before your children. So find a way to make it work for you in your marriage. Whether that's taking a little down time, returning things to the store, hiding in your closet with some candy… Whatever will get you in the right mindset to give your husband what he and your marriage needs!
THERAPY AND HORMONES – 13:50
Sometimes you try all the things to work on your intimacy in marriage and it still just doesn't feel right. That's when it's time to go talk to a therapist and have them help you get to the root of your problem. We've been and there is NO shame in it!
You also should get your hormones checked out if you're still struggling. That was one of the first things our therapist suggested after hearing we were having intimacy issues. After having a lot of kids in not a lot of years, my body was wrecked and I had to get my hormones adjusted. It made my life so. much. better. and got everything back where it needed to be! You can change as a person after having kids, periods, and going through menopause, but there's no reason to be stuck that way when you can get help to fix it!
WEEKLY CHECK-INS – 15:52
As we suggested in our marriage advice post, you need to be having weekly conversations with your spouse to make sure that you're both still on the same page. This gives you an opportunity to talk about anything that you may need to work on in your relationship. While you should be talking about all aspects of your relationship, don't forget to discuss the intimacy! Especially if you've been having issues with it recently and are working on it.
HOW TO MAKE IT A PRIORITY – 20:52
I really had to take a step back and look at my life and determine what was going to be a priority. I started saying no to some things so I could recenter and focus more on my marriage. If I was going to have the energy and time to put towards intimacy, I knew I couldn't overdo it in other aspects.
INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE – KEEPIN' IT SEXY!
This was a difficult issue for me, but I've worked through it and grown so much. Here are a few of the ways that I've been able to do that! Watch part 3 of our marriage series ONLINE HERE, or watch below:
Ready for a recap?
WEAR SOMETHING SEXY WHILE GETTING READY FOR BED – 8:34
When we cross the threshold during the evening to move into the bedtime hour, we put on lingerie or something that makes us feel good about our bodies. (You know, something other than an old t-shirt and flannel pajama pants…) It doesn't necessarily have to get us in the mood every time, but it's definitely not going to stop it like wearing something frumpy would.
We still sleep in our normal pajamas and Mormon garments, so we really only have a 15-30 minute window of wearing the sexy clothes. But the point behind it is to have some time together where you can appreciate each other's body and confidence without it leading directly to intimacy every time. If you want it to, then go for it! But it gives you a chance to see each other without having the expectations like you would if you're only wearing lingerie 2 times a year.
GET READY FOR BED TOGETHER
Taking the time to get ready for bed together has definitely brought us closer together as a couple. We are the complete opposites when it comes to going to bed. Bubba would love to be in bed by 10 and up by 6. However, I'm the most productive, when it comes to work, in those late night/early morning hours. We had a few years where I would stay up late and work while Bubba went to bed early, but it just didn't work.
Having that quality time together while you get ready for bed is key. It gives you a chance to talk about your day and anything important before you go to sleep. It also gives you the chance to be intimate if that's where the night is leading! We've compromised and are usually in bed somewhere between 11 and midnight, which is a few hours later than Bubba would like and a few hours earlier than I would like. But we've made it work because that time together is so important to our marriage.
EXERCISE AND BODY IMAGE – 27:40
Working out and eating better does help with your confidence in the way you feel. Even if you just exercise once or twice a week, you'll feel dramatically better in your own skin. You can even work out at home to keep the cost down! Wearing sexy things while you get ready for bed helps with your body image, especially if your spouse comments on how you have a rockin' body. 😉 It never hurts to help build each other up and work on each other's confidence!
A FEW MORE THOUGHTS ON INTIMACY IN MARRIAGE
Alright, on to the last video! Watch the second half of part 4 of our marriage series ONLINE HERE, or watch below:
Time for a recap!
DIFFERENT FORMS OF INTIMACY – 22:24
Intimacy isn't just for the bedroom! There are different forms of intimacy, where you can show your spouse that you love them in different, non-sexual ways. I grew up in a family where I didn't really see any public displays of affection, such as kissing or holding hands. Public displays of affection used to make me uncomfortable because that's just not what I grew up seeing.
Bubba grew up in a family that openly showed their affection to each other, with lots of hugging, kissing, and PDA. This ended up being a hurdle that we had to cross early on in our marriage that neither one of us had really thought about. But now, I am totally open with PDA and kissing in front of our kids! It shows them that Mom and Dad love each other in a way that's very special.
SPICE IT UP – 30:36
We've found that if we need to shake things up and get it steamy, it can't be in our own sheets. When I walk into my room, my mind immediately goes to wanting to get ready for bed. So once every few months, we'll go one a one-night overnight stay (including a delicious dinner) somewhere so we can have a little romantic time. The kids usually get some fun time with their grandparents while we get some fun grown up time. 😉
We have a Christian board game called Behind Closed Doors that will definitely get the juices flowing and get you out of your normal rut! Dirty Dice is another fun game that will help to bring more intimacy in your marriage.
KEEP THE PORNOGRAPHY AWAY – 34:36
As Mormons and Christians, we don't believe that pornography is good. It negatively impacts your brain and relationship. You can figure things out and make things work within your marriage without watching pornography. You may think that it would give you some ideas for your marriage, but it actually does quite the opposite.
That isn't real love and it isn't real life! It's not going to do anything for your marriage besides hurt it and change your way of thinking. We also believe this of movies and tv shows. If something has a way to give us unrealistic expectations in our marriage and bedroom, then we stay away from it.
HOW TO GET YOUR MOJO BACK – 41:54
Take small steps towards getting where you would like to be! As we've said before, change what you wear to bed, read marriage books to help give you new ideas, and try new things out. But ALWAYS keep an open line of communication and talk to each other about what you're comfortable with. If one of you isn't comfortable with something, then the other one needs to have 100% respect.
WHEW! Well there you have it, all of our tips over intimacy in marriage. We truly hope that everything that we've learned since 2007 is able to help you out in your marriage!
Looking for more great marriage ideas?
- Go have fun out on the town with these free date night ideas!
- Love to stay active? Make it a date!
- Have fun at home with these free date night ideas!
- Make the most of your summer with these fun and cheap date ideas!
- Let your sweetie know what you love about them and build their confidence with this cute and simple printable!