If you remember my story, my husband and I poured our heart, soul, sweat, blood, tears, and every dime to our name (including 100% of our hard-earned savings) into building a home…only to walk away from it (and all the money we put into it) so my husband could follow his dream of staring a business. It was unexpected. At the time, it didn't seem fair. It was hard. And more than anything, it was a huge, massive, cut-you-to-the-core disappointment.
God knew that in order for me to make MAJOR changes in my life, I would have to be knocked down to absolute ground zero and be forced to build myself up again. It was hard, but to date, it has led to the most incredible, amazing, astounding opportunities; ones that I could never dream or image for myself.
We became closer as husband and wife, it allowed me to have kids sooner (the greatest joy in our lives), it forced us to come up with all of the methods that I am now able to pass along to YOU (helping others), and it opened the door to blogging – another MAJOR (and unexpected) blessing. It forced us to refocus our lives, which has ultimately protected us again and again from other potentially catastrophic situations.
We are all faced with change and challenges in our lives. For me, it was losing a house. For some, it might be infertility. Losing or changing jobs. Moving. Losing a relationship or loved one. Being away from family for the first time. Weight gain. Challenges at work. Challenges with kids. Marital problems. Money problems.
So, how do we embrace change?
Here are a few things that have helped me and my family:
1. Learn to relinquish control.
Have you heard the song, “Jesus Take The Wheel” By Carrie Underwood? That song has a lot of profound meaning in it. It's about letting go in a scary time in your life and understanding that often times you are NOT in complete control of what happens to you. What you ARE in control of is how you react to things, and what you do with the opportunity that has been presented. I finally accepted the fact that there was no way I could change what happened to us, so I decided to let go of the past, and move on. It was a huge burden and weight lifted from my shoulders once I realized that I can't be in control all the time!
- On the WNTW show the ex-ballerina kept talking about her old body and how she used to look. Stacy finally said “look, that's who you USED to be. I wish I had the body I had when I was 17, but I don't. Boo hoo! Get over it, and accept the NOW in your life.” It's true! Sure, we can exercise and eat well. But we are ultimately NOT in control of how we age, how our bodies deteriorate and change over time, and we have NO control over our body-type and genetic makeup. Every time she looked in the mirror she would blame her body and herself for looking “bad” in a particular outfit. They helped her learn to accept and love it, and let go of comparing herself to others – because there is nothing she can do about it!
2. Own up to it.
I have a few people close to me that chose to take the Victim Role in life. We all know the type; nothing is ever their fault, they make excuses for everything, blame others, never own-up to their own problems, and worst of all, complain about their problems but choose to do nothing about them. Aren't those people exhausting?? Sadly, it's all to easy to do. I blamed everyone and everything around me for us losing the house. But ultimately, the decision was up to US! Once I took a step back and focused on the reason we made the decision to walk away from the house in the first place (because it was the best decision for our family and our future), I was able to drop the victim act and move forward.
- The other day I was talking to a woman I met who also happens to be a reader. She talked a lot about “back in the day” when her family was incredibly financially secure, and how they used to life. They lost all their money in an investment-gone-wrong, and she's never really gotten over it. She only knows and is comfortable with how things WERE, and she hasn't made peace with the HERE AND NOW. She hasn't fully let go, thus, she hasn't been able to move forward.
3. Grab it by the horns.
For heaven's sake, grab life by the cajones and MAKE something out of it! Don't sit back and let life happen to you, and certainly don't make excuses for it. Get out there, pound the pavement, and determine your own fate. If you want something, make it happen. Don't know how? Find a way. If you get a “no”, try something new until you get a YES. Just. Do. It.
- For us, we sold our car. We stopped eating out. Tightened up on our budgets. We sold our furniture. We worked our tails off at work. Live by the 3-month rule. We focused 110% of our time, talents, and energy on accomplishing our goals of getting out of the massive debt we accumulated, and building up our savings again. We couldn't change what happened to us in the past, so we focused on changing our future. We had to take it one lily pad at a time, though, because if we had focused on an end “picture” then we would have short-changed ourselves…because we are happier than we ever even IMAGINED we could be!
- When we moved 1.5 years ago, it was an incredibly hard change. Though we upgraded to a much bigger and better house/neighborhood, I was shock-me-to-the-core lonely. I was surrounded by people and social all the time, but felt like no one needed me or my friendship and was having trouble making deeper connections with people. I doubt anyone in my neighborhood even knows this, and would probably be shocked to learn it. But I cried. A LOT. It got so bad that at one point I told my husband I wanted to move. I HATE the feeling of loneliness and had made up my mind that it was the neighborhood's fault that I was unhappy and needed to run from it. One day my dear hubby had a heart-to-heart with me. I asked him hard questions…”is it me?” “is there anything about my personality that turns people away from me?” “am I doing anything wrong?” When he gave me honest NO's to those answers, then he finished with “babe, if you want things to change, it looks like you're just going to have to do it yourself.” So I did. I shook off the victim attitude and decided to DO something. I started inviting people over to dinner. I organized girl's nights. Play dates. Group yard sales. Double-dates. Dessert nights. Game nights. Holiday parties. Started going walking with people. I decided that if I was the one that was lonely, then it was up to ME to fix it. And guess what? I've never been happier. I have some incredible friends, am full to the brim with love from my neighbors, and feel HOME now. Lesson I learned? If you don't like it, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude about it.
4. Focus on sacrifice.
Sacrifice is giving up something good, for something better. Sounds simple, but this is quite possibly the hardest step. Many people look at my life (awesome house, lots of “toys” and gadgets, great family, lots of opportunities) and they think, “wow, you're so lucky!” or “man, I wish I made as much money as you!” or whatever it appears that has gotten us to where we are. What I eagerly explain to people is that we are where we are NOT because of the things we have, but because of the things we have SACRIFICED.
- We focused 2 entire years of our lives (and still continue to) COMPLETELY dedicating ourselves to the task of reshaping our lives. We gave up many things that people around us weren't willing to. Years later, we now HAVE more, DO more, and LIVE more than almost anyone I know...without making very much money, and certainly without having things handed to us…because we were willing to put off our immediate desires for the sake of the bigger picture.
- There is someone very close to me that struggles with this…but they have absolutely no idea. This person sees people around them (including me and my family) doing fun things, owning cool things, and living the life they want. THE VERY SECOND money hits this person's bank account, they run out and spend it on something they want…an unnecessarily nice house for their time of life. New car. Expensive toys. Clothes. Eating out. The list goes on and on. They are only focusing on what they want RIGHT NOW, and they think it's how to get the life they see “everyone else” living. Ultimately, this person will live in the moment for the rest of their life. They will constantly live their lives getting by, rather than getting ahead; all because they aren't willing to put off the things they “need” or want, for something better.
- When we got married my husband taught me a motto that we decided to live by:
5. Learn from it.
Life is all about stumbling, falling, getting back up, and redirecting our steps. It's about growth, change, and experience. Isn't that our role as humans?? Come to this earth, get a vulnerable, flawed body, and learn as much as we can in the few years we are given…and then using those lessons to help as many people as possible. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing, and expecting different results. Use the change in your life as opportunities to…well…CHANGE!
- Another part of learning from it is sharing what you've learned with others. It's a selfish thing, in my opinion, to go through a challenge and NOT share the lessons with others. Embrace it, learn from it, and pay it forward!
I know this is late, but thank you so much for this post. Going through something sort of similar and it’s nice to read that change can be a good thing and not something we have to be scared of.
You’re so welcome! Thanks for reading and for taking the time to comment.XOXO
I found your article through Pintrest today and it struck me. I appreciate your gutsy approach to dealing with change. I’m going through some difficult change right now where my faith, confidence, and attitude are being challenged. I know that eventually I will get to the “I’m going to fight for what I want out of life” stage of action. Although it’s tempting to wallow in fear and self pity, your article has been a good kick in the butt for me. I needed this advise and will re-read it tomorrow if necessary. May someone bless you today as you have blessed me!
Wow, thanks Tammy! Such a sweet and sincere comment. Thanks for sharing your struggles. We all have them, don’t we?? You will be blessed and supported for having such a good attitude about it all. Thanks again for reading and sharing and hang in there! XO
Wow. The whole “at some point you have to let go of who you WERE, and start celebrating who you ARE.” HIT ME HARD!! Like being sucker punched in the throat. I am a single mom. I was a devoted submissive wife for 20 years. I did everything that my husband told me to do. I now have been a single mom for almost 3 years. I always say, “I am the way I am because I am submissive natured.” I am fighting to find that strong independent woman that I used to be. I look at how far that I have come in the last 18 months. But I have yet to celebrate that I am strong. Today is the beginning of the celebration. I am holding my head high and shouting from the mountains (or my back porch). Thank you for being you. Because you are amazing.
Wow you are amazing. And so strong! To be a single mom is a huge task, and it sounds like you are doing a great job. Thanks for sharing!! XO
Thank you for the story. It let me know I’m on the right track to moving forward in my life. I get anxiety when I have to deal with change and life’s little bumps in the road. I am trying my best to get past it and yes it is very hard. My questions is how do you know what you have learned from the experience? I am honestly lost when asked that question. I don’t know how to answer. My quick version of my experience was I worked for a company a total of 6 years. I moved up the ladder of success really fast…..with-in a month or two of being hired, I became an assistant manager. The next 2 years I learned a lot about the company, the store manager position. I was liked by my fellow employees, my bosses, my customers….I was feeling really good about what I had achieved in my life. I had only thought of the store manager position once or twice but then I was getting asked If I put in for it or I was told that I would be a good candidate, so I thought about it more, nervous about that position, something I had never done but had all these fellow employees praise me, give me positive motivation. I FINALLY got the position after acting as the store manager for almost a year. I achieved the goal of store manager and held the position for 4 years. In those 4 years I also became the #1 store in the district for inventories, 4 years running. I became a team leader for the district. The store always looked good, things were done and done correctly. Then one day, the loss prevention guy, stated that I was too perfect to have that good of inventories, 4 years running. I am not a thief, my parents raised me well and taught me the rights and wrongs of life. That was one of my accomplishments, also, I dropped the store from a risk 4 (very high theft), to a risk 1 (very low theft). For some reason, I do not know and really don’t care anymore why he felt I stole out of my back door. I wondered why me? I did nothing wrong. My final day, I packed my office up in a box and called for a ride, because my husband just left with my truck, go figure. LOL. I grabbed my box, said good bye to my team of employees and walked out the door. I instantly felt a ton of weight lift from my shoulders and breathe of fresh air. I never looked back. I only miss the busyness of what I did. So, what would I have learned?? If you need more information or more details, just ask me. I want to know if I have learned anything, if I have embraced it? How do you do those things? Am I doing those things? Please help me understand.
Suewanna, maybe you learned what I had to learn…Managing was what you “did’, not who you “are.”….
This is one of the most insightful articles online that I’ve ever read. You nailed why change is so important and why so many people find it difficult. I am comfortable with change, but poor at relinquishing control over the things I cannot control – this is what I have to learn. Thanks for giving me a wake up call today when I read this! I’ll be bookmarking this page and coming back to it regularly for a reminder.
Major changes in my life over the last couple years – have gotten a divorce from an abusive husband – divorced him while my kids and I lived in a shelter and homeless. Now, we’re in transitional housing that we have to move out of by the end of May – I’m getting nervous and panicky, but am trying to learn to budget better and save money so we can move and do it as smoothly as possible rather than last minute dump all our money into a truck and storage and hope we got everything we need while the sheriff is watching us pack. I’ve learned that I don’t ever want to live that way again. I’ve also learned that I’m stronger than I ever thought I was.