It's 2:04 am. I should be in bed, as I have a group of 4 year olds coming over to celebrate Beck's birthday bright and early tomorrow morning (*update: I wrote this on Friday night). Yet, here I am. Mind racing, leg bouncing up and down as I try to channel my thoughts and energy and somehow try to figure out what I want to say, and how.
You probably haven't noticed, but I've had a lot on my mind lately. I'm good at hiding it. Well, maybe “hiding” it isn't the best word. Because I'm not intentionally hiding or masking anything. But on social media (and in person) I'm still focusing on the things that have been fun and lighthearted for me lately, even though my mind is racing at times (most of the time).
I take pride in being an open book. It's extremely important for me to be the exact same person online, as I am in person. Thus, the purpose of this post is to somehow try to explain to you that while everything might look fun, light-hearted, and exciting on Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube, behind the scenes things are wobbly for me, just as they might be for you.
The past year has been an interesting one for me. It's been a huge year of change. New house, new baby, new job situation for Bubba, new friends, new decade (hello 30's!), new church congregation, new goals, new opportunities and projects, new EVERYTHING. It has been fresh and exciting and fun and everything I could have hoped and dreamed!
There are still some things in my life that aren't quite…right.
I'm not in a position to share everything yet, so I apologize in advance for the intense UNDER-SHARE status of this post. I just want to get on eye level and share my journey and realizations up to this point with you, in hopes that it brings more understanding and maybe even some inspiration to the table.
I'm not exactly sure where to start, so I guess I'll start with this…
I've started going to therapy.
Yup! Me! Jordan Page! It's true! Honestly, I've been wanting to go for years. YEARS. To work on my marriage, to work through my own personality difficulties, and just to have someone to talk things through with. Friends I know who have gone rave about it, say everyone should have a good therapist! Yet, I never went.
I immediately texted her, asked for a referral, and set an appointment.
I've gone a few times and have to tell you…
Expensive? Time-consuming? Emotionally draining and difficult? YES. But it's life. changing.
One of the things I've been working with in therapy is finding, and speaking my TRUTH. I take pride in being 110% authentic. At times that can be challenging, as there are millions of stranger eyeballs reading and watching my every move. But it's more important for me to speak my truth than it is for me to be popular or revered.
So, in light of that, here are some truths I want to speak of:
Marriage is not easy. Not even for me. And it's certainly not perfect.
On Valentine's day Bubba spoiled me rotten. Took me to a nice dinner, sent me to get a massage and facial, salsa dancing, it was great. He also took me shopping for jeans (we are both in desperate need) quickly between activities. While we were in Buckle rushing around the store grabbing jeans for each other and modeling them, the employee we had been working with observed us for a while before stating, “you guys are relationship goals.”
It made me want to be REAL and share that life isn't always as it seems…especially on social media.
Yes, we have fun together. Yes we can laugh and have a good time. Yes we post those good times on social media. And yes, maybe we are even good at picking jeans out for each other. But we are certainly not the poster-children for perfect relationships and have hard times (which do NOT get put on social media) just like everyone else.
Marriage is not easy, and it is not perfect. I want everyone to know that I truly believe that and there is no shame in admitting when something is hard. But that with hard work anyone can get through hard things!
2. Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I know what I'm doing.
I'm 30. I've got 5 kids. I live in a grownup house. I drive a minivan. I've had jobs, travelled, pay the bills, grocery shop, and do all the things that grownups do. (Feels weird, right??)
If there's one thing I've learned lately, it's that just because I'm “grown up” doesn't mean I have all the answers. It doesn't mean I don't make mistakes. It doesn't mean that I automatically know how to handle tough situations.
Being an adult is hard!
BUT…(bringing me to my 3rd point…)
3. It's never too late to figure out who you are and WHY.
I'm a busy body. I love being busy; thrive on chaos, actually. I love having lots of people around me, fueling energy to others, trying new things, go-go-going, having fun, adventures, completing tasks, all of it. A slow day is sometimes agonizing for me. I love to be busy, stay busy, and get shtuff DONE!
The downside to being busy is that it's easy to bury…stuff. It's easy to keep things surface-level, sometimes for years, because being constantly on-the-go doesn't allow time for things to surface.
Lately I've tried to slow down. I've cut back on blogging, cancelled a few activities for my kids, and have been trying to find time throughout the week to just…think.
I've only started doing this recently and
It's intense. It's like the floodgates on my emotions have been opened. I'm thinking through things I haven't dealt with in years. I'm questioning things. I'm analyzing the WHY behind things. I'm weighing choices. I'm thinking about what I need to do better at. I'm really trying to nail down WHO I am, and WHY.
I'm not exactly sure why I felt compelled to write this post.
I guess I just want you to know that right now…I'm trudging along like everyone else. I'm sludging (is that a word?) through hard things, trying to sort through it all.
I also want you to know that everything I post in my crazy, fun, zany, light-hearted Instagram stories is real. It's true. It's authentic. I'm speaking my truth in those moments. I don't fake the laughs. I don't make up the fun in dance class. I don't fabricate those moments with my kids. I believe in finding fun and joy in pretty much any situation and love sharing it in order to (possibly, hopefully!) bring some fun and joy into YOUR life as well.
I wouldn't be speaking my truth if I didn't let you know that we are in this together. Whatever hard things you have going on in your life right now, I'm there with you. I've got hard things too. Whatever challenges you are working on? I've got a whole lotta challenges I'm working through too. Insecurities? Marriage problems? Relationship challenges? Physical struggles? Whatever it is, I'd be lying if I didn't say that I, along with just about anyone reading this I'm sure, are working through struggles too.
No one is perfect. Nothing is perfect. There is no such thing as “easy”…because even the best things in life take work.
I'm working on finding and speaking my truth, and can only hope for all of you to join me in doing the same. For anyone who is considering therapy for one reason or another…don't hesitate…just GO!
Now, if you don't mind, my truth is telling me it's time to go to bed. Thanks for taking the time to come with me on this crazy journey I call life. I TRULY have love for everyone reading this. Doesn't seem possible, but I do…and that's the truth. XO